Now, I know what everyone is thinking: "You know what, Jake Plummer is pretty awesome!". I could not agree with you more. Since I decided I loved Jake Plummer more than possibly life itself, my life has improved ten fold. He lives the life that I can only dream of one day living. I thought it would be only fitting to amass a large collection of all things Plummer. First let's get a look at the greatest man in the history of not only the NFL, but quite possibly the world!
(seperated at birth?)
As shown above, Jake "The Snake" looks a good deal like the toxic avenger what with that drooping right eye and everything. Is it possible they are brothers? Only time and Jesus can tell and maybe Jake's mom. This also raises the ire of one because this could also mean that Toxie has a canon for an arm just like The Snake! Now that we all have such an amazing love for Jake the natural urge is to spend our hard earned money on Snakewares. That's what I call Jakey's merchandise. The first place I hit up for this stuff was the officials Denver Broncos team shop. Where you would expect to find Denver Broncos stuff, let's look at the only result I got for Jake Plummer.
That's right, a twenty trading card set featuring numerous cards of Jake Plummer as an Arizona Cardinal. A steal at $15, especially after this little plug they give for it: Have you opened countless packs of cards without ever coming across any of your favorite player? With this 20 Card Set, you will get 20 regular-issue trading cards of this player, without doubles. 20-count plastic card box included. Only Father Time knows how many times I've torn open a package of football cards only to find that it was sans a Jake Plummer card. If I would happen to be in the general area of someone I would probably start strangling them and hitting them low, if it was a female I would ask if they were pregnant. If they answered yes, a punch to the stomach. The only reasonable thing to do when someone doesn't receive a life giving Jake Plummer card is to take another life.
I'm happy to announce that now I no longer have to kill people over my lack of Jake Plummer cards. Not only does this set of cards mean another child shall be brought into this world, it also means that Jesus will shed no more tears because of me. Unless he is nearby when I get a pack of Plummerless cards. I would fight him and he would probably cry. Anyway, after more searching I came across sites absolutely teeming with Jake Plummer jerseys, I don't need a jersey, that is so cliche. I need to really deepen my Jake Plummer collecting, I need something unique. I need a 1:58 scale PT Cruiser customized with Jake Plummer decals. I sure hope I can find one.
Oh, I guess there was one right there all along. Look at that beauty. Normally PT Cruisers makes me vomit into my mouth and shit my pants out of the agony that comes along with the displeasure of seeing one of these unbelievably atrocious looking cars. When they are endorsed by the God-like Jake Plummer, I am overcome with emotions that could be likened to witnessing the birth of a child, seeing naked women welcoming you to an all you can eat Chinese buffet featuring freshly made egg foo yung, or even that of letting one rip after having to hold it all day at work as to not offend those in your office. The real kicker of this is that you can detach the back of the package and use it as ANOTHER Jake Plummer card. I don't know about you, but my hands are shaking with glee.
I can tell what you are thinking now, you're saying "Mike, those are awesome, but I need to start my newborn on the right track and get them a Jake Plummer collectible". I hear you brothers and sisters. Luckily so do the geniuses that make things for people who will pay top dollar for completely useless things. Like, I don't know, A JAKE PLUMMER BEANIE BABY!!
Please excuse me as I weep with joy. I feel much better now. This is the best thing I have ever seen. The bear is wearing cute little pants with a cute little belt. I need to look at something else, this is TOO MUCH! Let's move to an area I'm more familiar with. TOYS!
Everyone's favorite football player has been recreated in plastic form by McFarlane toys. Although this lacks Jake's new man-beard. I felt the undeniable urge to buy this, and you can look forward to a review of this fantastic toy in the near future. I want to kiss it. I need one more thing to make the perfect Jake Plummer collection. I need something... VERY UNIQUE!
Oh yeah, I guess a box of JAKE'S FLAKES will due! Now I can finally start my day like 'The Snake'! Sweet. Jake Plummer also has a charity aptly named The Jake Plummer Foundation. It helps people with Alzheimer's and children. You should give money to it, or the snake will bite you!
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