CODE: Hulkster

Now, before I get too far into this stimulating review of what could be one of the coolest toys (or activities) there has ever been I would like to welcome you to CODE: Hulkster. Whether this is your first visit to the site or you have been here before the meltdown of the previous site, I would like to personally thank you for visiting my page. I know it's not the prettiest or the most professional site out there, but I still appreciate you reading through my crap. Now, on to the fun...

While strolling through the Target down the road looking for new toys, namely Star Wars and Ultimate Muscle toys, I happened to stumble upon something that was just begging to be bought. Moose's Buried Skulls practically leaped into my hands. The point of this 'toy' is to scratch away at the sweet tart like rock with the supplied yellow plastic thing to unveil a little plastic skull. If you look closer at the package though, you notice it is to "Chip away and find buried sculls inside every rock" When I first read this I thought that this has to be a mistake at the factory in China. When I read the name of the company that made it though, I realized it HAD to be a Canadian company that made it... where else are there moose? Exactly. Anyway, the point is the spelling error was because a Canadian made the package. (If you are Canadian please send hate mail to mike@codehulkster.com, thanks!)

Upon further inspection of the package I found the nail in the coffin...

That's right... if I unearth the Crystal Wizard skull, I get a YEAR'S SUPPLY OF SOUR PATCH CANDY! Who wouldn't want that? Well. to tell you the truth, I wouldn't. But, think of all the cool things you could do with that much sour patch candy. I could fill my bath tub with it and make a tasty scum bag and sour patch candy soup. I'd make millions! I now was legally required to buy this.

Inside the package you find a big piece of paper that explains lots of weird crap like how you are supposed to hit the rock against something really hard before trying to break the stuff open. To be completely honest I hadn't looked at the paper until after I freed the skull from it's rock dungeon. So I can't really say if this would have helped me at all, probably not though, since that same Canadian guy made this too. Most of it makes no sense, I'm starting to think this was a French-Canadian, who didn't know a speck of English until he started making the manual for 'Buried Sculls'.

The paper also goes on to tell the story of a town called Graveskull, I think I smell a He-Man rip off. The story goes on to tell the story of Lord Doombone and his buried treasure. When he died all kinds of crooked guys with stupid names tried to find his treasure, killing each other until only the crystal wizard was left. He then dug for months, until he found the treasure, BUT HE WAS STUCK IN HIS OWN HOLE!! What an idiot, now he's all rich but he has to hang out in the hole and die.

As you may or may not be able to make out in the picture above there are three different types of skulls you can find: black, glow, and gold. As you would be able to guess, black is the least rare, followed by glow and gold respectively. Now I don't understand why they would do this besides the fact that instead of saying there being 24 skulls they could say there were 74. Also, there seems to be some sort of game you can play with the skulls.

Before the paper explains how to play the game it first tells you that you either play for fun, or you can play to piss off your friend and if you win you get to keep all his toys and make fun of him for being stupid enough to play 'for keeps'. The first game reminds me of a game I used to play called 'push your pencil across your desk to see how close to the edge you can get without it falling off or someone seeing you doing it and thinking you are stupid'. I always thought the title of the game was a bit long, but no one ever asked me how to play. The object of the skull game was to flick your skull across a table in two flicks, and for it to be the closest to the edge of the table. When looking at the picture I couldn't help but notice that Dragon Ball Z looking guy is pretty creepy and probably cheating. I also couldn't help but feel bad for the little bald kid, not only is he about two feet tall, but he also got the being bald curve thrown at him. It must really suck to be him.

The second game is pretty messed up. To play, everyone puts a skull in their hand then they turn around and throw their clenched fists into the air. This is where it gets pretty weird, this is an exact quote from the manual paper: "Everyone raises their clenched fists and all together chant 'Secret Knowledge by Unearthing Long Lost Skulls'". So pretty much I think this game is some sort of trick to get little kids to practice satanic rituals. I'm going to stop reading this paper and find me a skull.

So this thing actually looks like a rock, a baby blue rock albeit, but a rock no less. Since I didn't read the manual at all I didn't know I was supposed to smash the fake rock up against something really hard to get a head start on things, so I took the yellow plastic tool thing and started stabbing the rock relentlessly (not The Rock, just the rock). This didn't really get me anywhere as you can see in the picture below.

A little came off the top and I was beginning to think that this really was a rock and not something that would be breaking under the strength of my yellow tool of destruction. So, only one thing was left to do, stab it more. This got me nowhere, I looked on the other side of the rock only to find that it seemed to be a little softer under there. More stabbing action followed.

This was the result of the devastating back stabbing I had just finished on this blasted thing. I did find something orange and plastic though. There was a skull in here after all, they weren't tricking me. Thank goodness, if there was nothing in here after all of my power being put toward to smashing this stupid thing I would find that damn French-Canadian who made this thing and introduce him to the stupid piece of plastic he gave me that was SUPPOSED to break through the crap around a stupid skull.

After about 10 hours I finally saw something that resembled a skull. It also appeared that he was wearing a cowboy hat... no, that couldn't be, that's WAY too stupid. I was also disheartened to find that I got one of the stupid black skulls, I wanted a freaking glow skull.

After an amazingly lucky stab, a huge chunk of crap came off and revealed that this really was that stupid, and the skull was indeed wearing a cowboy hat. I almost stopped here knowing that I probably got the stupidest possible skull and I would more than likely regret buying this. But I had already invested about a day and a half of time into poking this blue rock thing with a yellow plastic thing and there were too many colored things around for me to think about anything. Then the unthinkable happened...

FREE AT LAST!!!!!

My skull was finally released from his soft rocky grave so that I could lose him in a couple days under my bed.

So I finally got this stupid thing out of the stupid rock and I realized that I had a great weekend whilst poking a big sweet tart with what used to be a sy-klone leg. Overall I would have to give this 3 1/2 Skulls, I could see how little kids could enjoy this, but stupid older folks like myself should try and stray away from these things. Unless you like making everything filthy and not really being rewarded for it. You can't even make the thing pose in some sort of homoerotic way. Unless I get another one... they could kiss. That'd be pretty cute.

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Mike
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