CODE: Hulkster

As usual, before we get started on this wonderful piece of literature I would like to address you, the CODE: Hulkster fans, or most likely my friends or mother. Hi mom. Anyway, Microsoft Sam figured it would be best for the site if you, the fans, made out posters for this little site and plastered them about your town or campus. Who cares if it's illegal, if they say it is, tell them mike from codehulkster.com says it's cool. Trust me, they'll let you go. Now I will allow you to continue on to...

If there is anything in this world I like more than toys it's grilled cheese. Many people like to slander the grilled cheese sandwich because they have never eaten a good grilled cheese sandwich. This is most likely because all the grilled cheeses you have eaten are made with Velveeta. For those of you who dislike the grilled cheese, shame on you. I won't talk anymore about you though, because I know the second you die, you will be burning in the eternal flames of Hell.

Since I love the grilled cheese so much and eat them every day , I decided that I was obligated to creating something better. Something dreadfully similar, but also delightfully different. I need to create...

To complete such an amazing mission I would need to recruit the best team of men I could find. I would have included some women, but they have cooties and I ask you this: Who wants cooties? So I set out to make this team, The Fellowship of the Grilled Cheese. I carefully planned out exactly what I needed in this team to successfully attain what I needed to make this delectable dish. Unfortunately, I don't know anyone with the attributes that I needed. So, I called up my hobbit friend and some other guy and we were on our way to our local grocer.

Upon arrival at the store we found that while we liked the old time appearance of the store, we were still pretty happy that the inside of the place looked exactly like the Giant Eagle down the street. Once inside, we attained all the ingredients that we needed to make the one sandwich. I also found that old ladies don't like to be pushed over. It's funny, most of the old ladies I had pushed over before just screamed, you know, like on a roller coaster. This one said "You're lucky you broke my hip, 'cause if I could move I would kick you in the ass so hard you'd be spitting up shoe polish." Since I then knew she couldn't move I spit on her and said "Get out of my way old lady, I've got things to do and walking behind some stupid old hag isn't one of them, and you had better hope you stop talking to me before I break your other hip you fossilized piece of meat." Some guy in a leather jacket punched me in the head.

Once we got all out items and my head to stop bleeding. We bought our goods. The total came out to something like $30, I personally don't really remember because of the flow of blood coming from my head. Once we returned to my humble home we began the process necessary things to make the one sandwich...

That's right, the one sandwich is going to be so amazing that it was an absolute requirement that we buy no less than five different cheeses. The variety of cheese was a hard choice. Though we couldn't really afford to buy anything other than Giant Eagle brand cheese, we did get a little wild and bought some gouda. The cheeses that we chose were by no means random. To better understand the anatomy of the one grilled cheese, I am going to explain why we got each cheese.

We chose gouda because it was really fun to say. Though I must say that the fellowship was at first a little reluctant to get the gouda. They were soon silenced once I reminded them, "How could it be anything but gouda?" After a hearty end-of-the-episode GI Joe laugh. We tossed the cheese into the cart and began the search for cheese number two.

Muenster cheese was the first cheese the hobbit wanted to get. At first I was a little worried. Mostly because the hobbit is kind of weird and it's hard to agree with him on anything. You should see his feet, they are gross. You have to be careful when you're in the shower too. He'll try to open the door and tell you "I was just seeing if I could do it", well let me tell you what hobbit, you can. Now stop trying to look at me when I'm naked. Weirdo. On to cheese three.

I picked cheese three myself. Colby cheese was needed after the first two cheeses because it is a little harder than the other two. You can't have all soft cheese in grilled cheese. You need variety, you need colby! I'm pretty sure that Colby would be a good name for a child. Not as good as Horse, but that's another story. A very long story. Look out, here comes cheese four.

Cheese four is cheddar. If you are making stuff with a lot of cheese, you have to have cheddar. Everyone knows cheddar is better, of course. And if something has a rhyming saying that goes along with it, I'm not going to say anything against it. Cheese five is next, if you are reading this still, I congratulate you.

Now cheese five was hard to find. Until I saw it, I saw THE cheese. Monterey Jack. I don't really have much to say other than that if there is a cartoon mouse that has the same name as a food, I'm probably going to like the food. So, if this cheese is good enough to become the name of a huge fat mouse that converses with chipmunks and teams up with them to become an elite group of rescue rangers. Then it's sure as hell good enough for the one grilled cheese.

Now we are off to grating the cheese. We don't use that salad shooter crap either. For a proper meal to be cooked, one must exert a specific amount of work. If you do everything by machine, it's just one more step to those dastardly robots taking over the Earth. I don't know about you, but the day I am forced out of my house by robots is the day I find you assholes that use machines all the time and rough you up a little. It's those same machines that will be the downfall of humanity. So, while your blender is giving you whirlys with the bread machine and the George Foreman grill, I'll still be grating cheese by hand and you'll be dead.

Once we got all the cheese sliced up and stuff, we put it into cute little bowls. We thought it would make us feel more like people who knew what they were doing. It didn't... as all hell was about to break loose in the shire. Notice my little whistle thing up there in the right side. The fellowship got pretty pissed off at me for trying to play the contra theme on it for like twenty minutes. Apparently they don't enjoy good music, it's too bad I couldn't find the people I really needed, they like the contra theme.

Here you see the griddle being fired up. We're about to forge the one sandwich. Proper lubrication for the sandwiches is really quite important. So after spraying Pam on the griddle for about half a minute the other guy told me that the stuff was flamable and that I probably almost blew the house up. I may just be going off on another tangent, but I think that if you are making a thing to spray on to pans for cooking you should probably write something about it being flamable REALLY BIG on the package. Or that you shouldn't spray it on for over a minute. I really like that sound though. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

After a massive amount of buttering and me having to tell the hobbit how to use a butter knife we were able to begin forging the one grilled cheese. As you can see above, we weren't just mixing the cheeses. Each cheese got it's own layer on the sandwich. If you are by some chance really stupid and can't count, there are six pieces of bread on each sandwich. That's five layers of cheesy goodness. Also you can see that I have trouble not putting cheese directly onto the burner. That later proved to be bad news for the overall smell of the house. Unless you REALLY like the smell of burning flesh, or cheese.

Here is the finished product. I wish I could tell you what that thing in the top right hand corner is, but I really don't recall that. It could be the ends of a loaf of bread, a duck bill, or my kidneys. Though I don't think it's a duck bill. The fellowship had sucessfully forged the one sandwich. My mission was complete. My life is now better. I haven't taken a crap for a week. CHEESE!

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Mike